22 & not a clue

What a curious thing it is to consider that part of your life, a chapter if you like, is over. Published and done with. I will never drive around in cars with Gerry or Brian like we used to. I will never have cause to sit in a Lurgan car park of a Saturday night smoking a 'bine', trying to keep up with the slang. I will not catch another boat to Stranraer to see that lover, may his acne never go away. Lastly I will most likely never catch another Frankston train home to see family I hardly know but love all the same. These periods and habits are done with now and I have outgrown them all. The are both past and passed.

A sure sign of spiritual growth is when you want more freedom and less stuff. I am not taking anything back to London with me unless it is vintage or second hand. The thought of buying furniture is giving me hives, I can't shake the feeling that I am not done yet. The saying

runs through my head. I know settling down has to be done at some point in order to begin the 'career journey'. I want that with both hands outstretched and claws unfurled. Yet at the same time my horizons loom so large and bright it seems a crime to glimpse them from the foot of the mountain and then only venture half way up. The adventures to come will be different. They will be shared, partnered and there is so much joy to be had in that I am sure.

But as someone who has been independent for so long I am nervous that I am sacrificing a few dreams in order to be happy. At 22 is it too early to do that? I don't want to compromise on my dreams. Why should we?

'You refuse to make a man the centre of your life, but romance is.
That is your conundrum.
So you are smart enough to know that life is short and needs to be filled.
But you're not sure life can be filled if there isn't a romance as part of it.'

I don't know about the rest of you but at some point this realisation hit and I was truth tripping all over the place. Thanks to the good friend who made that happen. But seriously, is this just me? The committment cold feet, the accusations of running away from anything that resembles stability?
It can't just be our age, it has to go deeper subconsciously to somewhere t
hat's still nursing the bruises left by bastards in the past.

Life is to be lived, love is to be had and shared, but why would you want to share a life if your half hasn't yet been lived to the full? You shouldn't put on hold all the things you want right now. It's like the old man who told me 'don't work all your life and not have adventures in the belief that one day you will be able to pay for them all at once - because you won't. Go out and adventure now.'

And yet what we humans want most is to be loved, really, when you think about it. We just want love and so we are split between the want for adventure and the need to love and be loved. We let the hunt for one over-ride the necessity for the other. We are unable to quantify our lives as they are or appreciate them until we have someone else to share them with.

It's the argument of will anyone hear the tree should it fall with no one there - is it still an adventure if you go it alone. Of course it is. In fact its how we are designed, unless you have stuff going on there should only be you in that head of yours. So listen to yourself, silence all the hum and answer the question: "What is it I want?" Once you answer that question, go out and do it, find it, see it, live it. Because time waits for no man and the best time to do anything is now.

I am unemployed, officially. Only it's called 'being a freelancer'. Which is another way of saying I write pieces I am proud of for free, for people I've never met in the hopes that one day, sitting across from a woman in clothes I cannot afford, she will look up and say 'welcome aboard.'

But you know what, I wouldn't change a second of this. Despite the feeling of dread in my gut about the long road ahead, right now this is bliss. I am getting to spend my days writing, reading and researching all the awesome out there topics that people should hear more about.

I get to take the time to do as I please and please only myself. I spent the afternoon in Melbourne's best kept secret Chokolait (order a milk hot chocolate with chilli at a level 6 - trust me) read an inspiring new magazine, made notes, wrote and chatted to an older couple from Perth about life. It was wonderful. Then I walked through Grafitti alley and up Swanston street smiling in the sunshine.

I am now sitting bathed in the aurelian light of Melbourne state library next to a beautiful Germanic bearded man typing happily away with the promise of a Huxtaburger with a girlfriend later. It's a beautiful day in Melbourne. I am happy. This is officially Me time and whilst I traverse the sphere of unemployment for a while I can relax because I am using the time wisely.

I attended a cocktail competition on Monday night on the back of a fellow blogger's +1. I didn't touch on the tram and the drinks were free - I spent nothing, nada, niente & I had a fantastic time. When asked what I did and why I was there I giggled and said 'I'm a blogger - isn't that the most narcissistic thing you've ever heard?'. Well it is.

Don't take yourself too seriously, pay it all forward because what you sow so shall you later reap. As my benevolent Norn Irish mother is so fond of saying. Be the good you wish to see in the world - cheers Ghandi. But really, it all means nothing if you can't take two minutes to laugh at yourself and appreciate it all simultaneously.