22 & not a clue

It is a truth universally acknowledged that you do not always get what you want. Alot of the time your reality does not even come close to what you want for yourself, but as we all know - that is life.

That being said I believe that when you decide exactly what it is you do want, the universe conspires to make it happen. It may not be how or what you would hope for & sure the uncertainty of it all makes you want to throw up half the time - but it will happen.

If you set your sights high and work hard then the universe will work with you. You will get there. The wobbles of doubt & uncertainty are merely tests to make really sure this is what you want. The cosmos throw shit at you like disappointment and bad timing to teach you that if this is really it then you better be ready. Or at least your stomach will be.

The roller coaster of the career ladder is nauseating. Especially when you are grasping for the very first rung. But once you start handling the curved balls & wobbling along with the waiting, the relief when you grasp that rung is worth it.

Even if your mouth is smeared in chocolate & you only realise 20 minutes after the interview, when grinning like an ejit you fix your lippy & gawp at yourself because you are still just 22 & haven't a clue.

The trouble with being alone & single for an extended period of time is not that it gives you unrealistic expectations, but that it teaches you what you need. You need a man who asks how your interview went, who responds to his emails & who is sensible with his money. You don't want someone who talks about themselves, ignores their emails until asked & is forever broke.

Unfortunately the longer you spend independently fine tuning all the things you did badly in your formative years, the less likely you are to accept that shit from someone else should the opportunity for commitment present itself.

Accepting yourself and working on the flaws should teach you some compassion & patience, you would hope? Wrong. It teaches you life is short & other people don't work things out unless they're forced to. If you get into a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to be an adult how do you ever expect them to be a man.

Perhaps leaving him out to dry, whoever he is, for a little longer is for the best? Because frankly if you haven't sorted your own shit out then how do you ever expect another persons problems to work with yours in a relationship? People throw themselves together in dire hopes of happiness without ever truly getting to the bottom of what made them miserable or useless in the first place.

He may need to grow up, but you sure do as well. Take time to consolidate where you're going wrong with people, life, career or worst of all your day to day emotions. Only when you work those things through will you be in a place to meet your man half way.

I have always felt that Melbourne is London & San Francisco's love child, a riot of colour, cuisine and life. Having said that, the longer I stay the more it feels like Melbourne is in fact London, high. It is stuffed and practically comatose it is soo chilled. The good times are a plenty here, they are all for the taking. Anything is achievable here in Australia, just don't break a sweat unless you have to - that is what it feels like to live in this city. Sounds heavenly doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel more and more that Melbourne will be ideal in 20 years time when I am done fighting for a career, it will be an idyllic place to be married and do all of that. But right now it just isn’t hungry enough for me. It is gluttonous with easy going attitudes that just don’t force me to push harder. I don't feel any do-or-die about this city.

Part of coming out here was to figure out where to next. I had to decide what it was that drove me, not just a 2.1 or any job that pays anymore. Student days are now behind me. What actually sets my world on fire? Because what I choose next could end up being the path I follow for the rest of my life. I don't want to be chasing a goal that isn't right for me. I want to do what I love and love what I do. Turns out what I truly love is to write.

Since being out here I have written nearly every day. I have picked up the pen & run with it in a way I never have done before. I have made connections and gained valuable experiences. I have gotten out of my head and comfort zone completely and learnt more about myself than I believe I would have done had I stayed in London.

Coming out here after uni has been a great decision. Hindsight knows everything, that bitch. I came out here to the sunshine, to the good food & to the endless opportunities. I have earned more here than in my life to date. I have gotten to know a part of my family I didn't before and I have proved to myself that I can do this - be an adult; be financially independent & responsible for myself. I can take care of myself. Thanks.

So the decision to go home hasn't been an easy one. Indeed some have called me mad to go back to what is a bleak existence in a cold & grey part of the world in a dreadful financial climate. But the truth is that you can't replace people and you can't change goals. Not easily at least. Nothing can compensate being able to see my family for a weekend or having great friends around me. That isn't replaceable & certainly not with a two year visa. No, 13 months is long enough to be away for me. I will go back with my head firmly in the game. A vast difference to how I left for sure. I will come back with more experience & self assurity knowing that nothing is ever truly 'the end of the world'. What I come home to I have no control over. But so long as I take home all the positives of this experience then I can say with confidence that I have no regrets about this decision.



So thank you Australia. Thank you for giving me the past six months of sunshine, the hottest summer on record, a good job, wonderful new friends & the whackiest apartment that has to be seen to be believed. Here's to the remaining six. London, be ready.

Working at The Australian Red Cross has been an eye opener of an experience. In terms of first-time office experience post-uni I truly believe it has been unique. Besides working with a rainbow team of personalities, people and cultures I have experienced a non-profit environment, witnessed humanitarian aid in practice and come up against endless ethics over policy scenarios.

Being a humanitarian organisation means group meditation sessions, chill out rooms and on mass flu injections are the norm here. I am however, stubborn and still traumatised by 1984. As such I believe on mass work force flu jabs are unnecessary and are a mild form of institutionalisation which should be avoided. Flu jabs are for the young, vulnerable and the elderly. The flu and common colds are just an unfortunate part of human existence; there is no cure. You simply have to tough it out and get better.

So after sharing my opinions with the office, shock horror, about how I felt it was institutionalisation, Big Brother like, creepy and a presumption of my health. We all departed for the weekend, clutching their left arms whilst I smiled smugly to myself over my current unbroken seven months of rude health. No I still don't have a Medicare card, I haven't been ill once remember?

Until now. Who came into the office on Monday morning with the early signs of a cold? Who had to take today off with the full blown, guns blazing flu? This guy. Oh yes.


Irony? Bugger off.

I am fortunate to have a trio of wonderful friends who span 3 decades ahead of me at 32, 42 & 52. Each one tells me a different story of their 20s, how they too spun circles around themselves and the many men they were involved with in an effort to better understand themselves. Or how they also made spontaneous decisions & wondered six months later how all this had come to pass. Their stories all differed from one another, but their uncertainty and doubt did not.

Now they smile patiently over many a glass of wine as I sit opposite & ask 'why? Where to next? How will I do this? When will I do that? & worst of all is it enough?'. Their beautiful yet bemused faces take in mine & in that moment I know they have been there. It is wonderful to have older friends. I am privileged to witness the progression of woman through so many beautiful souls. I am even more privileged to learn from them.

Eventually after a few more glasses and a lot of laughter they all, in one way or another make the same point – what you want now will change & who you are now will change too. Don’t let that scare you, accept it as part of your journey.

It seems we don’t ever fully master dealing with our lot, we are in an ever evolving state of acceptance. Learning to deal with one shitty situation better than we did the last. All the while dreaming big and aiming high don’t forget. The dreaming and the aiming doesn’t stop it just accustoms itself better to our reality. We tailor our next endeavour as we grow through the last. Our wants will wain and our desires differ, but as women it is an innate part of our programming to want more.

What I believe is the actual goal in the meantime isn’t happiness or success; but contentedness. Happiness is a long term goal, but if we can’t appreciate being content in the here and now then how do we ever fully expect to enjoy true happiness when it finally shows up to the party.

We are all just walking through the wilderness on sand, hoping the next step will be less precarious than the last. The truth is that we have no control over that aspect of our lives, in fact we have no control whatsoever. All we can do is cling to yet more metaphors and hope we make the best decision as to where to place our feet next.

'At 22, if your dreams don't scare you then they aren't big enough my darling'

I visited TKMaxx once, in London on Hammersmith high street. I had wanted a pair of Birkenstocks forever. It was like the summer equivalent of the Hunter wellie - a must have. I wanted them, but until now I hadn't had a legitimate enough reason to buy them. Now I was being whisked away to Rome by Daniel. A bi polar sufferer from Lincoln who was crazy about me.

Very long dramatic story later, add copious amounts of red wine + dozens of packets of fags & surprise surprise I didn't go to Rome & I still don't own Birkenstocks. The truth is that regardless of how much you plan, save or try, you have no control over any of it. It all just happens. Just like that. Life is what happens while you're busy making plans.

You don't always get what you want. Sometimes you get your heart dashed in two by a guy who flies hotter & Colder than a Taylor swift album.

Sometimes you just don't get the right shoes until you've walked far enough. You have to go there to come back, just so you know better how to do the next bit.

I always say at some point I will turn my life into a book, or maybe a tv series. But then GIRLS happened & Lena Dunham stole all my ideas. Regardless I have to believe my life can't be this ridiculous without a good reason - to publish it.

What happened the other night is the stuff of nightmares. Living this far away from the origin of all yours sins sort of gives you an undue sense of confidence. You aren't going to run into any exes or bitches out here. But no one prepared me for running into their ghosts.

Sitting outside in the cool Melbourne air on Monday night; casually whiling away the hours before bed time & the start of yet another working week. A Flatmate had friends round & here enters our character: Adam. Adam is a Brit, but unlike ever other Pom round these parts he has a more sunny disposition. Everything had a silver lining to Adam's perspective & thank god for that.

We're chilling out, discussing hilarious and disastrous dating experiences in the efforts to cheer up a Canadian friend who has just been jilted by Love. It's my turn, which should I choose? There have been a few. One particular period stands out vividly but that's another story.

Adam hails from a particularly grey area of Essex where it just so happens an ex came from also. He reminds me of this & I laugh. I give away a few details; the predilection for weed, the disastrous hair & then finally the reason we parted: 'You should sleep with other people'.
"I mean who says that!?" I shouted. No but really? It wasn't until the final detail I revealed that Adam stands & is convinced that's his friend Blaine. 'It's Blaine! It is not Blaine! Ginger pubes? That's Blaine!'

Fuck. it was. But I mean how many guys from Essex do you know with ginger pubes & natural black hair? My horrendous romantic choices had come to haunt me & Adam was only too willing to tell me how pathetic they were. My flat mates couldn't get over it. This was hilarious. I wanted to be sick.

The topic didn't drop all night & I no longer feel safe in public. How many other ghosts are out there hidden behind the guise of a well meaning friend or acquaintance? I am living proof that you can come 10&1/2 Thousand miles & still be haunted by your past. Try as you might, no matter how much ice cream or wine you pile on top of that one there is no escaping your past. It will always be there like a spot without a head you are watching over in agony.

There is no escape Guys. I just take comfort in the knowledge that I didn't come out here running away from anything. This isn't an escape & despite my melodramatic musings: my history isn't that bad, but if it could be a while between this & the next ghost I'd appreciate it.

I often mention my life in Melbourne in passing in my posts but I don't talk about it in any great depths. I like to infuse a sense of the any woman; this could be any city anywhere throughout these posts. After all we are just people struggling through in the end; regardless of which continent or country.

I get told I am brave and that people envy me for my choices after uni, frequently. I have had many a friend who has told me how they dream of doing something like this. But the thing I can't get my head around, is why don't they? It isn't that hard. You quit your job, buy a flight, throw a banging party & go.
You throw yourself out there. Cling to an edge or two & just take a chance.

Saying this, I know for a fact I am not made of exceptionally strong stuff & except for the usual bag of crazy mixed with a tendency towards neurotic I am nothing out of the ordinary. I think bungee jumping is crazy, heights scare the shit out of me & I have never been on a roller-coaster - I hardly live on the edge.

So why is it that this is such a big deal? Maybe it's the distance? 10,490+ thousand miles is Alot. Believe me. Or maybe it is the wholly alien, the unknown?They're right though guys- Vegemite does taste the same. Either way I truly believe the average graduate these days needs to not only think outside of the box, but rip that fucker to pieces & start again. How do you ever expect to stand out if you followed the crowd?

I am on dangerous ground here as many wonderful people I know have stayed & fought the good fight after uni and are making progress. I do not want to be on a high horse or a cross for that matter. I simply wish to throw a spanner in the works & ask why not? Why shouldn't you even just consider buggering off out of which ever hemisphere for a while?

The irony is that I have met more Paddys in Melbourne than in my last three years in London. This is the place to come to in a failing economy. You only have to stroll down Acland street or head for Bridies on Chapel street to know that. I will be going back to London to get away from them all the city is so overrun.

Despite all this when it truly comes down to it & I weigh it all up, maybe you guys were right to stay. Often times I feel like a message in a bottle - afloat, adrift & alone. But then I remember that like all such bottles destined for land I too will come ashore when the tide is right. I just haven't been through enough currents or high seas yet.

I will be back. But not yet. Not yet.