22 & not a clue

I am unemployed, officially. Only it's called 'being a freelancer'. Which is another way of saying I write pieces I am proud of for free, for people I've never met in the hopes that one day, sitting across from a woman in clothes I cannot afford, she will look up and say 'welcome aboard.'

But you know what, I wouldn't change a second of this. Despite the feeling of dread in my gut about the long road ahead, right now this is bliss. I am getting to spend my days writing, reading and researching all the awesome out there topics that people should hear more about.

I get to take the time to do as I please and please only myself. I spent the afternoon in Melbourne's best kept secret Chokolait (order a milk hot chocolate with chilli at a level 6 - trust me) read an inspiring new magazine, made notes, wrote and chatted to an older couple from Perth about life. It was wonderful. Then I walked through Grafitti alley and up Swanston street smiling in the sunshine.

I am now sitting bathed in the aurelian light of Melbourne state library next to a beautiful Germanic bearded man typing happily away with the promise of a Huxtaburger with a girlfriend later. It's a beautiful day in Melbourne. I am happy. This is officially Me time and whilst I traverse the sphere of unemployment for a while I can relax because I am using the time wisely.

I attended a cocktail competition on Monday night on the back of a fellow blogger's +1. I didn't touch on the tram and the drinks were free - I spent nothing, nada, niente & I had a fantastic time. When asked what I did and why I was there I giggled and said 'I'm a blogger - isn't that the most narcissistic thing you've ever heard?'. Well it is.

Don't take yourself too seriously, pay it all forward because what you sow so shall you later reap. As my benevolent Norn Irish mother is so fond of saying. Be the good you wish to see in the world - cheers Ghandi. But really, it all means nothing if you can't take two minutes to laugh at yourself and appreciate it all simultaneously.

I have always felt that Melbourne is London & San Francisco's love child, a riot of colour, cuisine and life. Having said that, the longer I stay the more it feels like Melbourne is in fact London, high. It is stuffed and practically comatose it is soo chilled. The good times are a plenty here, they are all for the taking. Anything is achievable here in Australia, just don't break a sweat unless you have to - that is what it feels like to live in this city. Sounds heavenly doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel more and more that Melbourne will be ideal in 20 years time when I am done fighting for a career, it will be an idyllic place to be married and do all of that. But right now it just isn’t hungry enough for me. It is gluttonous with easy going attitudes that just don’t force me to push harder. I don't feel any do-or-die about this city.

Part of coming out here was to figure out where to next. I had to decide what it was that drove me, not just a 2.1 or any job that pays anymore. Student days are now behind me. What actually sets my world on fire? Because what I choose next could end up being the path I follow for the rest of my life. I don't want to be chasing a goal that isn't right for me. I want to do what I love and love what I do. Turns out what I truly love is to write.

Since being out here I have written nearly every day. I have picked up the pen & run with it in a way I never have done before. I have made connections and gained valuable experiences. I have gotten out of my head and comfort zone completely and learnt more about myself than I believe I would have done had I stayed in London.

Coming out here after uni has been a great decision. Hindsight knows everything, that bitch. I came out here to the sunshine, to the good food & to the endless opportunities. I have earned more here than in my life to date. I have gotten to know a part of my family I didn't before and I have proved to myself that I can do this - be an adult; be financially independent & responsible for myself. I can take care of myself. Thanks.

So the decision to go home hasn't been an easy one. Indeed some have called me mad to go back to what is a bleak existence in a cold & grey part of the world in a dreadful financial climate. But the truth is that you can't replace people and you can't change goals. Not easily at least. Nothing can compensate being able to see my family for a weekend or having great friends around me. That isn't replaceable & certainly not with a two year visa. No, 13 months is long enough to be away for me. I will go back with my head firmly in the game. A vast difference to how I left for sure. I will come back with more experience & self assurity knowing that nothing is ever truly 'the end of the world'. What I come home to I have no control over. But so long as I take home all the positives of this experience then I can say with confidence that I have no regrets about this decision.



So thank you Australia. Thank you for giving me the past six months of sunshine, the hottest summer on record, a good job, wonderful new friends & the whackiest apartment that has to be seen to be believed. Here's to the remaining six. London, be ready.

I have been reading PostSecret since 2006. That is almost a decade. At 22 a decade is a long time. I have checked this site religiously every sunday since forever. Forever being 15. Because before that nothing really mattered. I have opened this webpage and found countless postcards which have struck a chord or rung true for me. They have comforted and given voice to thousands of black thoughts, doubts and secret happiness' that if you have never seen it before you cannot understand until you do.

The site gets updated every Sunday morning US time so I usually check it in the evening. It has always been part of my sundays for as long as I care to remember. I have two of the books, have written endless articles about it and given one memorably awkward classroom presentation. So today when I remembered to check it, this postcard was sitting at the top waiting to greet me.

Fate. I have always believed in signs and things happening for a reason. This is yet another one of those. This made me smile, I am not alone, someone else is in this lonely boat. Smile guys. We'll get through.

I check this section every day. It is at the back & I flick to it as soon as the bleach blonde punk with stretchers at Melbourne central station hands it to me at 16:50pm.
I read this religiously for two reasons. Firstly it restores my faith in humanity. Secondly I hope that someone has spotted me and wants to send me a message, give me a compliment or ask me out for coffee.

I know this is pathetic. I also know I am loved. But I still, vainly, check it every day. It makes me smile to see all the individual messages of hope and light people send to each other. Without knowing even the other person's name, they send this signal out into this huge city in the hopes that person with whom they had a moment's connection will respond. Occasionally someone will reply with a message, usually asking for more details. I have yet to read a message which tells of what happens next. Were they disappointed? Did they meet under Flinders St clocks at 6pm last Wednesday? Did 'tattooed guy' find his 'asian beauty'? I think that's a book I will write one day.



I read this one when I first arrived in Melbourne and it has stayed with me ever since. I want to be this couple. I want to be the kind of couple who share their fish and chips and hold hands. I think we all do. I also think this section of the MX is the closest most of us get to a 'movie' kind of moment. So reading it every day, for me, restores hope that romance isn't dead and that