22 & not a clue

So me and my 22 year old brain have been having a lot of fun over the past two months. More so than we have done in a long time. I mean I've been meditating, taken time to just be, achieved things I didn't even know were on the to do list - but is that statement part of the problem?

The 'to do list'. Is anyone else part of the percentage of people on this earth who live on plan A or B at any given point in time? And who can just 'live'? I didn't even know it was a concept until someone told me that not having a plan was just as much of an idea as having one.

After eight beautiful weeks in Thailand spent adventuring, meeting wonderful people and doing whatever took my fancy at a moments notice I have returned to London. With a bang. I am sleeping on a friend's couch and pushing myself harder than ever before to make my break in to the PR industry happen. Now is my time and it's gonna happen. The To Do List is a mile long and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't daunted. However, what I learned in Thailand has stayed with me; when we stop making plans and simply ask ourselves what would we like to do or achieve today, we begin to please ourselves.

Taking time to please yourself, however that may be, from a whim to a goal is part of contentedness. Furthermore it means when you take up the yoke of all those ambitions and goals again the load doesn't feel as heavy as before.

Push yourself, strive for the great heights, just don't forget to spend a day reading a book or take the time to run a bath. 

Increasingly I'm noticing things that never seemed to matter before which now alter everything in their finite detail. Like the creases in a skirt that previously I wouldn't bother to iron or the sudden necessity to polish my shoes and finally the importance of eyebrows. These details are filling in the space between all the other things I think about. Not quite so much so that I am beginning to turn into a 52 year old shorter version of myself, but enough that I smugly smile and think 'I'm a grown up.'

Speaking of which last week I paid a wizened crone $200 for the privelege of wearing lipstick and discussing my finances. It is the most expensive grown up thing I have ever done and thank god the ATO is rewarding me with tax back otherwise I would have lost my shit. Each adult thing is a personal mile stone, an achievement in that I did it myself. Pathetic really considering millions of people do these things everyday.

I guess what I am celebrating is the subconsciousness of it all. It's becoming second nature to do sensible things. I still don't understand the stock market or how to wire a plug - but I have done my tax return and I remember to pencil my eyebrows each morning so that counts right? With six weeks left of my Australian adventure I am financially independent and hopeful that I may not be as clueless as when I arrived.

It's human nature to freak out, but it's even more natural to learn and grow. Appreciating the things you've learnt to handle and the experiences that taught you nothing is ever that big a deal is important. Especially now when no one else will know if you remembered to polish your shoes or not: it's all up to you now. Twenty somethings are human beanstalks - we just keep growing up and reaching skyward despite all the axes and Jacks along the way.

It was the moment when I lay back & thought about falling asleep right there on my Australia towel that I knew trying to do pilates today after work was too big an ask. Motivation is hard. It only gets harder when you add in a 9-5 & take away a support network. You reach a stage in your adult life where you have thrown yourself so far away from your family in hopes of 'independence' a word you have bandied about since the age of 15 that you realise you are either too proud or too far away to ask for help; literally and metaphorically.

You have gotten yourself up on your feet by hook or by crook, you have savings & a flat & maybe even a boyfriend. Ok maybe not. What you don't have is sleep or a stress free mind but you are independent. Welcome to adulthood. The next step? Keep going. No one is behind you cheering you on, you're past that now. You are out there, on your own & the only person stopping you is yourself. Aim high they said, dream big they said. Well you did & you're out there. Now what?

Telling yourself to keep going is tough. It is hard bloody work & sometimes it is so exhausting all you want to do is spend the day in bed watching Geordie shore. We all need an off day from being an adult; to revert back into your 17 year old self. But how do you keep motivating yourself day after day? Life now is mapped out in weekends. It is about getting through the next five days to revel in the remaining two. Pretty depressing when you put it like that really. But that is our reality. We are striving for everything, fighting tooth & nail to get recognised, earn our place and prove our worth. Will it be worth it? Who can honestly answer that.

But the truth is you have gotten this far; don't stop now. Keep aiming high & keep fighting the good fight because there's space in this world for you; you just have to earn it first. All that you sow so shall you reap. It may just take the best part of the next decade. In the mean time remember to appreciate the little things. Like the fact that your crazy family will be there come what may, whether you want them to or not. Like the fact that as you move through life you will not know why you meet the people you do until they are there just in time.

Relax & enjoy the ride the say? I say sit back & give yourself a break. You've made it this far. You're doing alright kid. Breathe.
Now what's the next plan & how are we gonna do it?
Thatta boy.

Letting go is rather like a bikini wax. You know you need to do it, you know it's good for you, you know you can't bare yourself again without it. But it hurts like fuck.
Sometimes you even pay someone for the privilege of helping you. Forty eight bucks in my case, at Brazillian Butterfly in Richmond.

So as I lay there this afternoon in the awkwardly primary coloured themed treatment room the old thought came to me. "Fuck, I'm in Australia" & then Rip.
Let rip.
I have let go of a huge chunk of my life this past year. Soo much change has washed over me and come to pass that it really does catch me some times.

I have graduated uni with a 2.1, I have paid off all my overdraft & credit card as well as buying a flight & visa, I have moved 10,000 miles away & I have started a new life out here complete with job, flat & savings. In two & 1/2 weeks I'm going to Sydney. I have let go of soo much in order to get to this point. All of life is an act of letting go. You accept all that has come to pass to grow to be the person whose ready for what comes next. So as I handed over my 50 dollar note I smiled to myself as I realised that at 22 I no longer blush or feel ashamed about who I am or where I have been. I simply let it go.