22 & not a clue

Increasingly I'm noticing things that never seemed to matter before which now alter everything in their finite detail. Like the creases in a skirt that previously I wouldn't bother to iron or the sudden necessity to polish my shoes and finally the importance of eyebrows. These details are filling in the space between all the other things I think about. Not quite so much so that I am beginning to turn into a 52 year old shorter version of myself, but enough that I smugly smile and think 'I'm a grown up.'

Speaking of which last week I paid a wizened crone $200 for the privelege of wearing lipstick and discussing my finances. It is the most expensive grown up thing I have ever done and thank god the ATO is rewarding me with tax back otherwise I would have lost my shit. Each adult thing is a personal mile stone, an achievement in that I did it myself. Pathetic really considering millions of people do these things everyday.

I guess what I am celebrating is the subconsciousness of it all. It's becoming second nature to do sensible things. I still don't understand the stock market or how to wire a plug - but I have done my tax return and I remember to pencil my eyebrows each morning so that counts right? With six weeks left of my Australian adventure I am financially independent and hopeful that I may not be as clueless as when I arrived.

It's human nature to freak out, but it's even more natural to learn and grow. Appreciating the things you've learnt to handle and the experiences that taught you nothing is ever that big a deal is important. Especially now when no one else will know if you remembered to polish your shoes or not: it's all up to you now. Twenty somethings are human beanstalks - we just keep growing up and reaching skyward despite all the axes and Jacks along the way.

When you tell someone you're in your 20s and you're a ______ (fill the blank). They may roll their eyes, or smile at you wistfully, pitying your naivety. You're a label and a uniform. A pay cheque away from the next purchase or a boyfriend away from 'the one'.

You are running from one dream to the next and slamming your sorry heart around without a care. You are living for the moments when you feel you've achieved something. When someone recognises your accomplishments, when your parents say they're proud or your friends say they're jealous. You are grasping at your future with claws unfurled.

At the same time most of the things you do are tinged with the feeling that it just doesn't count because you are supposed to spend this decade fucking up. You're supposed to be learning all of life's lessons one bad decision at a time. So to hear that this learning curve isn't meant to go on for an entire decade, but more to be built upon and seized is a cause for relief. Because it means you're not mad to think it's not ok to waste the next 8 years screwing around. Which seems to be the conscious decision of most of your peers at times.

I have never wanted to play 'emotional musical chairs' with men, however it feels it has happened that way regardless at times. I don't know a woman who isn't guilty of choosing less than what she deserved it feels an inherent part of the modern female mindset. We choose wrongly because we choose to treat our twenties like a rough draft - it'll make a better story I suppose. However in the end we are using up precious time and rambling through paragraphs of a life we cannot re-write. We can't then rush in to another decade once we hit thirty expecting it to be easy to find a partner and settle down. Time catches up with us eventually.

Build on your experiences from one to the next. Cut loose the dead weight friends, choose the off the wall ideas and go with them. Because ultimately the new friends will bring the new people and new opportunities which will broaden your horizons and maybe even change your life. Never stop being curious. Don't sit there being the only one still running around to the music so you grab the closest chair - walk away from the party & find a new one. Don't lose your innocence and appreciation for the simple, at the same time don't accept less than what will make you happiest. Forgive yourself all your mistakes - learn from them.

Being a twenty something was never going to be easy and as I sit awaiting June 30th & my first ever tax return, part of me wishes I could still be the 15 year old girl who just wanted the perfect denim skirt.

It was the moment when I lay back & thought about falling asleep right there on my Australia towel that I knew trying to do pilates today after work was too big an ask. Motivation is hard. It only gets harder when you add in a 9-5 & take away a support network. You reach a stage in your adult life where you have thrown yourself so far away from your family in hopes of 'independence' a word you have bandied about since the age of 15 that you realise you are either too proud or too far away to ask for help; literally and metaphorically.

You have gotten yourself up on your feet by hook or by crook, you have savings & a flat & maybe even a boyfriend. Ok maybe not. What you don't have is sleep or a stress free mind but you are independent. Welcome to adulthood. The next step? Keep going. No one is behind you cheering you on, you're past that now. You are out there, on your own & the only person stopping you is yourself. Aim high they said, dream big they said. Well you did & you're out there. Now what?

Telling yourself to keep going is tough. It is hard bloody work & sometimes it is so exhausting all you want to do is spend the day in bed watching Geordie shore. We all need an off day from being an adult; to revert back into your 17 year old self. But how do you keep motivating yourself day after day? Life now is mapped out in weekends. It is about getting through the next five days to revel in the remaining two. Pretty depressing when you put it like that really. But that is our reality. We are striving for everything, fighting tooth & nail to get recognised, earn our place and prove our worth. Will it be worth it? Who can honestly answer that.

But the truth is you have gotten this far; don't stop now. Keep aiming high & keep fighting the good fight because there's space in this world for you; you just have to earn it first. All that you sow so shall you reap. It may just take the best part of the next decade. In the mean time remember to appreciate the little things. Like the fact that your crazy family will be there come what may, whether you want them to or not. Like the fact that as you move through life you will not know why you meet the people you do until they are there just in time.

Relax & enjoy the ride the say? I say sit back & give yourself a break. You've made it this far. You're doing alright kid. Breathe.
Now what's the next plan & how are we gonna do it?
Thatta boy.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that thinking too much leads to imploding and wrinkles. Which is why, dear readers, at the age of 22 I can plant potatoes in this forehead of mine.

I am a bottler. I bottle everything up, flood the lives of my friends with positivity, advice & motivation whilst I drown in an inner emotional whirl pool of self doubt & negativity. I don't take compliments and there are few people whose opinion or advice I trust. You can't tell me anything because either I've heard it before or I think you're full of shit anyway. I am a pathetic emotional enigma & the older I get the more I just roll my eyes at myself and get on with it.

That said, the more I open up about this & the more I write what I am truly feeling at that point in time; the more positive a response I receive. Are we all whirling alone together? Take the oxymoron however you like but I have evidence to suggest we are. Maybe it's the female condition to over think, worry and generally go mad about all the possible tomorrows? Or perhaps the people who respond to this blog are just crazy too.

Regardless of which ever unfortunate truth you choose to believe the fact still stands that if we do not communicate and process our thoughts productively it all just builds in our head till we find ourselves screaming at our psychology student Flatmate who is only trying to help as we row with every inanimate object in sight.

Breathe.

Ok so from the top. Take a pen & paper & list the main negative thought that circles through that brain of yours. Write a list of reasons for and against & then examine that list. In all likelihood it's an irrational thought which if you use your mind over your mood you should be able to reason down to a more manageable size. It's all very well indulging it to have something to stress over. However if this thought is stopping you from sleeping at night then this may not be such a bad idea.

If you continually practice the attitude of:

"If you don't like something: change it.
If you can't change it: change your perspective".

Then you will find your mind will be stronger than your mood. The brain is not a muscle however it works in the same way. Being ruled continually by your emotions is exhausting. Take control of your thought processes by merely reasoning them out.

That being said you'll have to excuse me; I have unfinished business with an oven & a heap of worrying to do for tomorrow.

Communication can be a bit like the guy who told the group he only came to salsa class because his therapist told him to.
You avoid it & him like the plague. Same shit different smell as a good Jewish friend recently told me.
Nothing changes you just avoid it.
It can't be just me?

I live in a bubble of denial, I throw myself around the globe & my heart with me like nobodies business, say its all fine & then get my mother to call me from Northern Ireland at 1am because homesickness has finally caught up with me.
Reality rape essentially.
And it's entirely my own fault.

You have to be aware of what's going on & how that impacts on you & others in your life. If you choose not to communicate there will be problems & you will fall down a rabbit hole of emotion where you won't even need a little label saying 'drink me' for encouragement.
Learn to be open to talking about your emotions. If you feel shit then say so. Don't do this western passive aggressive crap that soo many woman have perfected these days.

If the sex isn't good. Say so. Coz otherwise it won't get better.
If you don't accept shit sex then don't accept feeling down & not saying something about it. Don't be too proud to just lay it out; how you feel & maybe, if you don't already know, you'll figure out why.

Online communication however is a completely different kettle of fish. A phrase I have never understood as why would you put fish in a kettle anyway.

If you send someone two emails over two days & then maybe a FB msg in reply to their reply from the previous day then you may find yourself on a park bench outside your salsa class blogging just to ignore the rising sense of anxiety that comes with doubt.
Oh fuck.

Regardless, say it. Because if you don't you might get hacked to death by the guy who you ignored last week because his therapist made him come & you will never get that chance to clear the air, appreciate or love that person you wanted to reach out to.

So yeah, I love you.

Doesn't that feel better?

Time to cucaracha !

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