22 & not a clue

Here's a thought, if Eve hadn't tempted Adam with a delicious apple then man would never have come to exist. That pair would still be living it up up there and our blue dot of a planet wouldn't have happened.

What a curious thing it is to consider that part of your life, a chapter if you like, is over. Published and done with. I will never drive around in cars with Gerry or Brian like we used to. I will never have cause to sit in a Lurgan car park of a Saturday night smoking a 'bine', trying to keep up with the slang. I will not catch another boat to Stranraer to see that lover, may his acne never go away. Lastly I will most likely never catch another Frankston train home to see family I hardly know but love all the same. These periods and habits are done with now and I have outgrown them all. The are both past and passed.

A sure sign of spiritual growth is when you want more freedom and less stuff. I am not taking anything back to London with me unless it is vintage or second hand. The thought of buying furniture is giving me hives, I can't shake the feeling that I am not done yet. The saying

runs through my head. I know settling down has to be done at some point in order to begin the 'career journey'. I want that with both hands outstretched and claws unfurled. Yet at the same time my horizons loom so large and bright it seems a crime to glimpse them from the foot of the mountain and then only venture half way up. The adventures to come will be different. They will be shared, partnered and there is so much joy to be had in that I am sure.

But as someone who has been independent for so long I am nervous that I am sacrificing a few dreams in order to be happy. At 22 is it too early to do that? I don't want to compromise on my dreams. Why should we?

The trouble with being alone & single for an extended period of time is not that it gives you unrealistic expectations, but that it teaches you what you need. You need a man who asks how your interview went, who responds to his emails & who is sensible with his money. You don't want someone who talks about themselves, ignores their emails until asked & is forever broke.

Unfortunately the longer you spend independently fine tuning all the things you did badly in your formative years, the less likely you are to accept that shit from someone else should the opportunity for commitment present itself.

Accepting yourself and working on the flaws should teach you some compassion & patience, you would hope? Wrong. It teaches you life is short & other people don't work things out unless they're forced to. If you get into a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to be an adult how do you ever expect them to be a man.

Perhaps leaving him out to dry, whoever he is, for a little longer is for the best? Because frankly if you haven't sorted your own shit out then how do you ever expect another persons problems to work with yours in a relationship? People throw themselves together in dire hopes of happiness without ever truly getting to the bottom of what made them miserable or useless in the first place.

He may need to grow up, but you sure do as well. Take time to consolidate where you're going wrong with people, life, career or worst of all your day to day emotions. Only when you work those things through will you be in a place to meet your man half way.