22 & not a clue

If you're a normal person then you probably remember everything you haven't done the moment you try to close your eyes and lie still. If you're like me then you type until the small hours and then give up thanks to exhaustion. Seriously though, what's with the lists and the buzzing thoughts, how do we control a monkey mind in a modern world where even the trains by my window make less noise than my thoughts.

The thing is, if I didn't have that half hour buzz before bed I wouldn't wake up and know exactly what needed doing the moment I stepped into the office. Tough break. Also since when did my life revolve around the office (she complains, yet really she loves it). So maybe the sleepless nights, endless deadlines and empty bank accounts have been worth it, maybe they're worth this rush I get when I'm working on 5 different things at once and thinking two steps ahead. Still making mistakes. Still learning. But getting somewhere.

When I'm not writing copy to pay the rent I'm trawling Etsy, collecting endless pieces of reclaimed vintage furniture and handmade home-wares to adorn the flat I don't have. I have bookshelves in wish lists for books I don't own, and artsy typography prints to be displayed on a wall to convey some kind of meaning. Suddenly I'm obsessed with all the trappings of a life that screams success. Not quite a Mulberry handbag and granite floors but my own version of what a career-driven 20 something's flat should look like.

I haven't written for myself since December and I've developed a bad case of 'Twitter fear'. It's amazing how our focus shifts, we re-prioritise our priorities. Six months ago I laughed at having 'stuff' - it traps you to one place and holds you back. Now I have digital shopping carts brimming with drift wood picture frames. The girl who only needed blu tac now dreams of ornate frames and mounted art work.

My backpack is starting to collect dust - but that rarely lasts long. How funny that we become the things we said we wouldn't and when we do, sometimes we are happier than we thought we would be. I think I've commenced nesting out a life I'm starting to see for myself, clearly one with too many arts and crafts and witty quotes on walls, but one I like the look of.

I've been cheating on my beloved blog with copy writing because copy writing pays - What a word slut I am.

One extreme to the next is my preferred third gear, uncertainty being a comfortable second and worry a very reliable first. I am quickly learning that fear of the future will freeze you to the spot if you let it. That procrastination is very expensive and most importantly that sitting on your hands is sometimes the only thing you can do.

With somewhat guaranteed well paid temping work in one hand but a potentially career building internship in the other which do I choose? To be frank the question is null as I have neither had the interview nor gotten the job. Like I said one extreme to the next is my third gear. Regardless, I have been tossing it around in this cavern of mine all weekend, have driven one boyfriend and one mother absolutely scatty with the matter and tied myself in knots.

Why? For the simple reason that I am so keenly aware that every step I take now may determine my career path further down the line. So whilst temping will pay well, put my mum's nagging to rest and ease my bank balance, it won't particularly help my career. I am having to sit on my hands, and I hate it. I am having to weigh it all up and make an adult decision which may shape things to come in ways I can't even imagine at this point in time

But then, every thing I have done with my life to date was uncertain to me at one point in time, or were the beginnings of adult decisions which shaped events that came after. What makes this moment of uncertainty unique to me is that it has never concerned my career before - probably because I have never had one. Now as I stand tentatively clinging to this bottom rung I am frozen in how best to proceed.

So I am off to this interview, I am going to smash it, give myself more options and then make a decision. Until then I will sit on my hands and continue to have hypothetical conversations with myself, or to the dishes, or maybe even at a wall. I always did like Shirley Valentine.

Increasingly I'm noticing things that never seemed to matter before which now alter everything in their finite detail. Like the creases in a skirt that previously I wouldn't bother to iron or the sudden necessity to polish my shoes and finally the importance of eyebrows. These details are filling in the space between all the other things I think about. Not quite so much so that I am beginning to turn into a 52 year old shorter version of myself, but enough that I smugly smile and think 'I'm a grown up.'

Speaking of which last week I paid a wizened crone $200 for the privelege of wearing lipstick and discussing my finances. It is the most expensive grown up thing I have ever done and thank god the ATO is rewarding me with tax back otherwise I would have lost my shit. Each adult thing is a personal mile stone, an achievement in that I did it myself. Pathetic really considering millions of people do these things everyday.

I guess what I am celebrating is the subconsciousness of it all. It's becoming second nature to do sensible things. I still don't understand the stock market or how to wire a plug - but I have done my tax return and I remember to pencil my eyebrows each morning so that counts right? With six weeks left of my Australian adventure I am financially independent and hopeful that I may not be as clueless as when I arrived.

It's human nature to freak out, but it's even more natural to learn and grow. Appreciating the things you've learnt to handle and the experiences that taught you nothing is ever that big a deal is important. Especially now when no one else will know if you remembered to polish your shoes or not: it's all up to you now. Twenty somethings are human beanstalks - we just keep growing up and reaching skyward despite all the axes and Jacks along the way.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that you do not always get what you want. Alot of the time your reality does not even come close to what you want for yourself, but as we all know - that is life.

That being said I believe that when you decide exactly what it is you do want, the universe conspires to make it happen. It may not be how or what you would hope for & sure the uncertainty of it all makes you want to throw up half the time - but it will happen.

If you set your sights high and work hard then the universe will work with you. You will get there. The wobbles of doubt & uncertainty are merely tests to make really sure this is what you want. The cosmos throw shit at you like disappointment and bad timing to teach you that if this is really it then you better be ready. Or at least your stomach will be.

The roller coaster of the career ladder is nauseating. Especially when you are grasping for the very first rung. But once you start handling the curved balls & wobbling along with the waiting, the relief when you grasp that rung is worth it.

Even if your mouth is smeared in chocolate & you only realise 20 minutes after the interview, when grinning like an ejit you fix your lippy & gawp at yourself because you are still just 22 & haven't a clue.

It was the moment when I lay back & thought about falling asleep right there on my Australia towel that I knew trying to do pilates today after work was too big an ask. Motivation is hard. It only gets harder when you add in a 9-5 & take away a support network. You reach a stage in your adult life where you have thrown yourself so far away from your family in hopes of 'independence' a word you have bandied about since the age of 15 that you realise you are either too proud or too far away to ask for help; literally and metaphorically.

You have gotten yourself up on your feet by hook or by crook, you have savings & a flat & maybe even a boyfriend. Ok maybe not. What you don't have is sleep or a stress free mind but you are independent. Welcome to adulthood. The next step? Keep going. No one is behind you cheering you on, you're past that now. You are out there, on your own & the only person stopping you is yourself. Aim high they said, dream big they said. Well you did & you're out there. Now what?

Telling yourself to keep going is tough. It is hard bloody work & sometimes it is so exhausting all you want to do is spend the day in bed watching Geordie shore. We all need an off day from being an adult; to revert back into your 17 year old self. But how do you keep motivating yourself day after day? Life now is mapped out in weekends. It is about getting through the next five days to revel in the remaining two. Pretty depressing when you put it like that really. But that is our reality. We are striving for everything, fighting tooth & nail to get recognised, earn our place and prove our worth. Will it be worth it? Who can honestly answer that.

But the truth is you have gotten this far; don't stop now. Keep aiming high & keep fighting the good fight because there's space in this world for you; you just have to earn it first. All that you sow so shall you reap. It may just take the best part of the next decade. In the mean time remember to appreciate the little things. Like the fact that your crazy family will be there come what may, whether you want them to or not. Like the fact that as you move through life you will not know why you meet the people you do until they are there just in time.

Relax & enjoy the ride the say? I say sit back & give yourself a break. You've made it this far. You're doing alright kid. Breathe.
Now what's the next plan & how are we gonna do it?
Thatta boy.

They say life begins at 40.
Well I bloody hope not.

I'm only just beginning, only just getting started on all this adult life stuff & I'm in love with it. The struggle & the complete uncertainty. Sure most of the time it leaves my stomach in knots, my brain fried & my bank account completely empty like a really bad lover. But it's living. This is life, and sure it's not meant to always be this hard. But you have to put the ground work in before you can expect results.

Staying up till all hours planning, editing and hunting down contacts has become my routine. I have to get up 30 minutes earlier just to manage all of my social media. These days, like right now for example, I write my posts on my Blogger app standing precariously wedged between a Thai woman in my armpit and the bearded hunk I try to flirt awkwardly with most mornings.
This is my life. I do a dull data entry job that pays well by day & write and plan every other waking hour of the day. It's not bad by most people's standards. But my god if someone offered me the chance to write back in London I'd jump through hoops of fire, kiss endless frogs & get the companies name tattooed on my arse.

That's how bad I want this. You have gotta have passion. If its not there then what Are you doing?

We're all just looking for a break. That opportune moment when the universe conspires to throw us a bone. I'm hunting for my bone & maybe it will just find me. Like love, a career has to be pursued, but maybe there's something to be said for having faith that it will happen if you let it.
Network, work hard, do everything besides that you love even if it means writing into the small hours & don't give up hope.

We're in our 20s baby, this was never meant to be easy.