22 & not a clue

One extreme to the next is my preferred third gear, uncertainty being a comfortable second and worry a very reliable first. I am quickly learning that fear of the future will freeze you to the spot if you let it. That procrastination is very expensive and most importantly that sitting on your hands is sometimes the only thing you can do.

With somewhat guaranteed well paid temping work in one hand but a potentially career building internship in the other which do I choose? To be frank the question is null as I have neither had the interview nor gotten the job. Like I said one extreme to the next is my third gear. Regardless, I have been tossing it around in this cavern of mine all weekend, have driven one boyfriend and one mother absolutely scatty with the matter and tied myself in knots.

Why? For the simple reason that I am so keenly aware that every step I take now may determine my career path further down the line. So whilst temping will pay well, put my mum's nagging to rest and ease my bank balance, it won't particularly help my career. I am having to sit on my hands, and I hate it. I am having to weigh it all up and make an adult decision which may shape things to come in ways I can't even imagine at this point in time

But then, every thing I have done with my life to date was uncertain to me at one point in time, or were the beginnings of adult decisions which shaped events that came after. What makes this moment of uncertainty unique to me is that it has never concerned my career before - probably because I have never had one. Now as I stand tentatively clinging to this bottom rung I am frozen in how best to proceed.

So I am off to this interview, I am going to smash it, give myself more options and then make a decision. Until then I will sit on my hands and continue to have hypothetical conversations with myself, or to the dishes, or maybe even at a wall. I always did like Shirley Valentine.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that you do not always get what you want. Alot of the time your reality does not even come close to what you want for yourself, but as we all know - that is life.

That being said I believe that when you decide exactly what it is you do want, the universe conspires to make it happen. It may not be how or what you would hope for & sure the uncertainty of it all makes you want to throw up half the time - but it will happen.

If you set your sights high and work hard then the universe will work with you. You will get there. The wobbles of doubt & uncertainty are merely tests to make really sure this is what you want. The cosmos throw shit at you like disappointment and bad timing to teach you that if this is really it then you better be ready. Or at least your stomach will be.

The roller coaster of the career ladder is nauseating. Especially when you are grasping for the very first rung. But once you start handling the curved balls & wobbling along with the waiting, the relief when you grasp that rung is worth it.

Even if your mouth is smeared in chocolate & you only realise 20 minutes after the interview, when grinning like an ejit you fix your lippy & gawp at yourself because you are still just 22 & haven't a clue.