22 & not a clue

So I would say I'm a pretty strong woman, in fact I would go as far to say that I am independent & head strong to a fault.
Never has this been more clearly spelt out for me than at salsa class where I have been asked, more than a few times to 'let me lead you' by my partner.

Is this a metaphor?

I'm going with it.

The fact is I don't trust any man to lead me, made abundantly clear by the fact that I still forget to step back when dancing as my partner leads.
It feels slightly wrong & submissive in a way I haven't encountered. For all you sinners who've read that nasty Grey book you may recognise that term. There's a special circle in hell waiting for us.

My question is why?
When evidently what I want most is a man to lead me, both in life & on the dance floor. Why aren't I physically and probably subconsciously open to being lead?
Am I so consumed by the exhausting task of endlessly proving myself to all an sundry that I cannot (wait for the irony here) let go?

Would it be soo bad if I stuck to the cliche of I haven't met a man who could yet?
Or would that truth be too ironic?
I possibly have & yet we have never danced together. Or been on a date. Or even have a photo together in existence. In social media terms 'we' do not exist. Isn't that a funny thought ?

If I relaxed & loosened up maybe just maybe I could get over myself & get that across body turn right that I royally stuffed up because either I was leading him or too focused on where I was going that I was out of time.
Enough of the dance metaphors.
It's confusing reading it back even for me.

As usual I need to take my own advice.

Be open to being lead, whether by a man or by others ideas. You never know where your feet may take you.

Communication can be a bit like the guy who told the group he only came to salsa class because his therapist told him to.
You avoid it & him like the plague. Same shit different smell as a good Jewish friend recently told me.
Nothing changes you just avoid it.
It can't be just me?

I live in a bubble of denial, I throw myself around the globe & my heart with me like nobodies business, say its all fine & then get my mother to call me from Northern Ireland at 1am because homesickness has finally caught up with me.
Reality rape essentially.
And it's entirely my own fault.

You have to be aware of what's going on & how that impacts on you & others in your life. If you choose not to communicate there will be problems & you will fall down a rabbit hole of emotion where you won't even need a little label saying 'drink me' for encouragement.
Learn to be open to talking about your emotions. If you feel shit then say so. Don't do this western passive aggressive crap that soo many woman have perfected these days.

If the sex isn't good. Say so. Coz otherwise it won't get better.
If you don't accept shit sex then don't accept feeling down & not saying something about it. Don't be too proud to just lay it out; how you feel & maybe, if you don't already know, you'll figure out why.

Online communication however is a completely different kettle of fish. A phrase I have never understood as why would you put fish in a kettle anyway.

If you send someone two emails over two days & then maybe a FB msg in reply to their reply from the previous day then you may find yourself on a park bench outside your salsa class blogging just to ignore the rising sense of anxiety that comes with doubt.
Oh fuck.

Regardless, say it. Because if you don't you might get hacked to death by the guy who you ignored last week because his therapist made him come & you will never get that chance to clear the air, appreciate or love that person you wanted to reach out to.

So yeah, I love you.

Doesn't that feel better?

Time to cucaracha !

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