22 & not a clue

If you're a normal person then you probably remember everything you haven't done the moment you try to close your eyes and lie still. If you're like me then you type until the small hours and then give up thanks to exhaustion. Seriously though, what's with the lists and the buzzing thoughts, how do we control a monkey mind in a modern world where even the trains by my window make less noise than my thoughts.

The thing is, if I didn't have that half hour buzz before bed I wouldn't wake up and know exactly what needed doing the moment I stepped into the office. Tough break. Also since when did my life revolve around the office (she complains, yet really she loves it). So maybe the sleepless nights, endless deadlines and empty bank accounts have been worth it, maybe they're worth this rush I get when I'm working on 5 different things at once and thinking two steps ahead. Still making mistakes. Still learning. But getting somewhere.

When I'm not writing copy to pay the rent I'm trawling Etsy, collecting endless pieces of reclaimed vintage furniture and handmade home-wares to adorn the flat I don't have. I have bookshelves in wish lists for books I don't own, and artsy typography prints to be displayed on a wall to convey some kind of meaning. Suddenly I'm obsessed with all the trappings of a life that screams success. Not quite a Mulberry handbag and granite floors but my own version of what a career-driven 20 something's flat should look like.

I haven't written for myself since December and I've developed a bad case of 'Twitter fear'. It's amazing how our focus shifts, we re-prioritise our priorities. Six months ago I laughed at having 'stuff' - it traps you to one place and holds you back. Now I have digital shopping carts brimming with drift wood picture frames. The girl who only needed blu tac now dreams of ornate frames and mounted art work.

My backpack is starting to collect dust - but that rarely lasts long. How funny that we become the things we said we wouldn't and when we do, sometimes we are happier than we thought we would be. I think I've commenced nesting out a life I'm starting to see for myself, clearly one with too many arts and crafts and witty quotes on walls, but one I like the look of.

So me and my 22 year old brain have been having a lot of fun over the past two months. More so than we have done in a long time. I mean I've been meditating, taken time to just be, achieved things I didn't even know were on the to do list - but is that statement part of the problem?

The 'to do list'. Is anyone else part of the percentage of people on this earth who live on plan A or B at any given point in time? And who can just 'live'? I didn't even know it was a concept until someone told me that not having a plan was just as much of an idea as having one.

After eight beautiful weeks in Thailand spent adventuring, meeting wonderful people and doing whatever took my fancy at a moments notice I have returned to London. With a bang. I am sleeping on a friend's couch and pushing myself harder than ever before to make my break in to the PR industry happen. Now is my time and it's gonna happen. The To Do List is a mile long and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't daunted. However, what I learned in Thailand has stayed with me; when we stop making plans and simply ask ourselves what would we like to do or achieve today, we begin to please ourselves.

Taking time to please yourself, however that may be, from a whim to a goal is part of contentedness. Furthermore it means when you take up the yoke of all those ambitions and goals again the load doesn't feel as heavy as before.

Push yourself, strive for the great heights, just don't forget to spend a day reading a book or take the time to run a bath. 

They say life begins at 40.
Well I bloody hope not.

I'm only just beginning, only just getting started on all this adult life stuff & I'm in love with it. The struggle & the complete uncertainty. Sure most of the time it leaves my stomach in knots, my brain fried & my bank account completely empty like a really bad lover. But it's living. This is life, and sure it's not meant to always be this hard. But you have to put the ground work in before you can expect results.

Staying up till all hours planning, editing and hunting down contacts has become my routine. I have to get up 30 minutes earlier just to manage all of my social media. These days, like right now for example, I write my posts on my Blogger app standing precariously wedged between a Thai woman in my armpit and the bearded hunk I try to flirt awkwardly with most mornings.
This is my life. I do a dull data entry job that pays well by day & write and plan every other waking hour of the day. It's not bad by most people's standards. But my god if someone offered me the chance to write back in London I'd jump through hoops of fire, kiss endless frogs & get the companies name tattooed on my arse.

That's how bad I want this. You have gotta have passion. If its not there then what Are you doing?

We're all just looking for a break. That opportune moment when the universe conspires to throw us a bone. I'm hunting for my bone & maybe it will just find me. Like love, a career has to be pursued, but maybe there's something to be said for having faith that it will happen if you let it.
Network, work hard, do everything besides that you love even if it means writing into the small hours & don't give up hope.

We're in our 20s baby, this was never meant to be easy.