22 & not a clue

I have already been back in London a month. Most of which has been spent either sleeping on a friends sofa or in front of my battered cream (*grey) mac book scouring the net for either a home or a job. After many viewings of would-be drug dens & one dream adult-cream-carpeted-wooden-floored chick pad I got my dream home & I move in in under two weeks. Hurrah! 

I have always felt that Melbourne is London & San Francisco's love child, a riot of colour, cuisine and life. Having said that, the longer I stay the more it feels like Melbourne is in fact London, high. It is stuffed and practically comatose it is soo chilled. The good times are a plenty here, they are all for the taking. Anything is achievable here in Australia, just don't break a sweat unless you have to - that is what it feels like to live in this city. Sounds heavenly doesn't it?

I'm starting to feel more and more that Melbourne will be ideal in 20 years time when I am done fighting for a career, it will be an idyllic place to be married and do all of that. But right now it just isn’t hungry enough for me. It is gluttonous with easy going attitudes that just don’t force me to push harder. I don't feel any do-or-die about this city.

Part of coming out here was to figure out where to next. I had to decide what it was that drove me, not just a 2.1 or any job that pays anymore. Student days are now behind me. What actually sets my world on fire? Because what I choose next could end up being the path I follow for the rest of my life. I don't want to be chasing a goal that isn't right for me. I want to do what I love and love what I do. Turns out what I truly love is to write.

Since being out here I have written nearly every day. I have picked up the pen & run with it in a way I never have done before. I have made connections and gained valuable experiences. I have gotten out of my head and comfort zone completely and learnt more about myself than I believe I would have done had I stayed in London.

Coming out here after uni has been a great decision. Hindsight knows everything, that bitch. I came out here to the sunshine, to the good food & to the endless opportunities. I have earned more here than in my life to date. I have gotten to know a part of my family I didn't before and I have proved to myself that I can do this - be an adult; be financially independent & responsible for myself. I can take care of myself. Thanks.

So the decision to go home hasn't been an easy one. Indeed some have called me mad to go back to what is a bleak existence in a cold & grey part of the world in a dreadful financial climate. But the truth is that you can't replace people and you can't change goals. Not easily at least. Nothing can compensate being able to see my family for a weekend or having great friends around me. That isn't replaceable & certainly not with a two year visa. No, 13 months is long enough to be away for me. I will go back with my head firmly in the game. A vast difference to how I left for sure. I will come back with more experience & self assurity knowing that nothing is ever truly 'the end of the world'. What I come home to I have no control over. But so long as I take home all the positives of this experience then I can say with confidence that I have no regrets about this decision.



So thank you Australia. Thank you for giving me the past six months of sunshine, the hottest summer on record, a good job, wonderful new friends & the whackiest apartment that has to be seen to be believed. Here's to the remaining six. London, be ready.

I am fortunate to have a trio of wonderful friends who span 3 decades ahead of me at 32, 42 & 52. Each one tells me a different story of their 20s, how they too spun circles around themselves and the many men they were involved with in an effort to better understand themselves. Or how they also made spontaneous decisions & wondered six months later how all this had come to pass. Their stories all differed from one another, but their uncertainty and doubt did not.

Now they smile patiently over many a glass of wine as I sit opposite & ask 'why? Where to next? How will I do this? When will I do that? & worst of all is it enough?'. Their beautiful yet bemused faces take in mine & in that moment I know they have been there. It is wonderful to have older friends. I am privileged to witness the progression of woman through so many beautiful souls. I am even more privileged to learn from them.

Eventually after a few more glasses and a lot of laughter they all, in one way or another make the same point – what you want now will change & who you are now will change too. Don’t let that scare you, accept it as part of your journey.

It seems we don’t ever fully master dealing with our lot, we are in an ever evolving state of acceptance. Learning to deal with one shitty situation better than we did the last. All the while dreaming big and aiming high don’t forget. The dreaming and the aiming doesn’t stop it just accustoms itself better to our reality. We tailor our next endeavour as we grow through the last. Our wants will wain and our desires differ, but as women it is an innate part of our programming to want more.

What I believe is the actual goal in the meantime isn’t happiness or success; but contentedness. Happiness is a long term goal, but if we can’t appreciate being content in the here and now then how do we ever fully expect to enjoy true happiness when it finally shows up to the party.

We are all just walking through the wilderness on sand, hoping the next step will be less precarious than the last. The truth is that we have no control over that aspect of our lives, in fact we have no control whatsoever. All we can do is cling to yet more metaphors and hope we make the best decision as to where to place our feet next.

'At 22, if your dreams don't scare you then they aren't big enough my darling'

It feels like your early twenties are spent in a nauseating state of flux between anxiety and panic. "What will I do? Who Will I be? Will anyone ever love me? Where will I go? How will I afford life? Ever?!"
It's one never-ending cycle of euphoric highs and depressive lows. No one ever has sufficient advice to give you other than hang in there baby. Eventually you begin to feel like that metaphorical kitty in the poster in that you truly believe you may slip, fall and not land on your feet for a change.

But baby you've got a rubber arse. You can only bounce back.

That's the mentality you just gotta have. Because in ten years time you will want to tell your twenty something self to chill the fuck out. You will wish you had appreciated the highs and had more patience with the lows.

I had some bad news today. I let it get to me. It was all I could think about. Before I knew it I felt sick, wanted to cry and couldn't breathe. I panicked. Over something which I already have multiple solutions for. I had a job offer last week for God's sake. I have contacts. I am resourceful. Yet despite all this positive evidence for why this reaction was unjustified I was right there, down in the low letting it wash over me. Sometimes all you want to do is lie down under the sheer overwhelming terror; 'how will I pay the rent this month?", "will I ever get a job?" etc. We panic most about situations over which we have the least control. And at twenty-something control over our life is absolutely vital. It is central to our being, because we are beginning to shape and define who we are.

The truth is, having less control may actually open up more avenues of opportunity. By letting go we open up to chance, and in fact Life itself comes at us.

So after wallowing well into the afternoon I strolled downtown in the sunshine to Salsa. I caught a glimpse of my hair in a shop window & just walked straight into the nearest hairdressers I could find.
I hate the hair dressers. I hate people coming near my hair with scissors, because having such long hair all they ever seem to want to do is chop it all off.
This lovely asian lady greeted me and after giving her strict instructions about what I wanted she combed it all out and smiled at me.
"You must have man"
"Hmm.. yes, I suppose"
"You either have or you haven't, which is it?"
I grinned up at her, my head eerily superimposed on this vast black triangle. "I have man, but not here. He's in London."
She gave me a puzzled look & shrugged. "You leave him for here?"
"Yes. I don't quite know why."
"You young. Be happy. Much time for that. Much much."
We grinned at each other, I asked her about her man and she said not anymore. But once. Advised me to find an Australian boy, French man aren't to be trusted and then chopped away.
"You like me. You come back in two month."
I smiled and tipped her 5 bucks and left.

Sometimes you have to cut out the dead ends, cut short the panic and lighten the load on your shoulders.
Focus on the positives. Like the one you love and who loves you. Or the good friend who listens to you over a glass of wine.
Focus on all the opportunities this change may bring.

Because you will bounce back.